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It’s been a long winter for me. I’m feeling the blahs. I’m working in town, and I don’t really know why. It’s nice getting out. I don’t mind interacting with all of the good people I’ve met. But I don’t feel like me. I miss seeing my boys, getting them off the bus in the afternoon and playing board games. I miss cooking good meals and sitting around the table as a family. I’ve only been working a month, so maybe I should give it some time. But things… things are just not what they used to be, what they should be. Instead of just my brother being an ass, another family member decided to call us on Christmas day and be shitty for no good reason. My husband and I are fighting. A lot. I am so lonely. I’ve gained back half the weight I lost, and feel absolutely disgusting. I’m really trying hard to snatch up any little positive thing that happens and celebrate it, but those little positive things are becoming very far and few between. And sometimes those little positive things manage to make me sad.

Like yesterday. Yesterday, a woman approached me while I was helping someone else. I knew exactly who she was, although she didn’t seem confident in her assessment of who I was at first.

“Are you who I think you are?” she asked, leaning over the little half-wall in front of me.

My heart was beating fast. I could hear blood rushing in my ears. My hands began to shake. I started to sweat, and I honestly thought about throwing down what I was doing right then and running. Running away. Where? Who the fuck knows where? I wanted to escape. Fight or flight, and everything in me was choosing flight. But I was at work. I knew I couldn’t go anywhere or cause a scene.

“From the, uh, market?” I added helpfully, my mouth going dry.

Yep. This was the woman from the couple at the market who repeatedly came to my stand, yelled at me, belittled me in front of customers, and who eventually ran me off. I was… no… I AM terrified of this couple. I’m traumatized just by their presence. I hate confrontation, and I hate rejection, and this couple represents both of those to me. I tried to smile. I tried to meet her eye contact, but I honestly don’t know if I did either because I was just a big ball of panic thinking I was about to get yelled at again. I thought I was going to inadvertently be a part of a big, messy scene, and that I would probably be fired in just a few moments because what company wants a personal drama exploding all over their company floor?

“I owe you an apology,” she continued.

Wait. What? My brain stopped working, and the adrenaline that had been telling my brain to run flooded me, making the world a sluggish, confusing place. I’m pretty sure she said something about being frustrated having to listen to her husband being upset about someone selling plants cheaper, and she apologized a couple times, and I think she even mentioned that she was sorry her friends got on my blog and attacked me. It’s kind of blurry, but I know one thing for certain – she apologized.

So I want to put it out there that I accept her apology. I honestly don’t know what I said back to her. I was a mess. I was crying after she left, and had to tell a coworker I had allergies. It was really nice of her to apologize, and I’m going to try to get past that whole fiasco. And… I’m sorry for calling her and her husband “the mean people” and for avoiding them at all costs. Maybe someday they’ll introduce themselves and we can start over. Maybe now I can even try visiting the market again. I miss all of the nice folks I met there.

Another positive – we actually had a successful birthday party. One where kids showed up. I had nearly given up hope on ever throwing a fun party for my boys. In the past, we’d be lucky if one or two out of twenty invited kids showed up. I felt like I was begging to get acquaintances to come over with their kids. We went bowling and had 12 kids arrive. My husband jumped right in and helped. Some new friends from 45 minutes south drove up special and even stayed for a little after party. And one of the boys’ friends slept over – a first for us. It all went really well.

So that’s my update on life for now. It’s not a pretty one, but I’m trying. I don’t know what progress will be made on the homestead this year. The chickens are doing well, but I don’t know if we’ll do bees or pigs like I had hoped. I’ll definitely have a garden, but I’m afraid it won’t be very impressive if no one is home to tend it every day. I went through my seed collection today and got a little depressed knowing that I’ll never run a private greenhouse or be able to sell all of these awesome plants to my community because there’s no way I’m going to have time to build a greenhouse or market successfully. I don’t know when I’m going to have time to preserve the garden’s bounty, either. If I do sell plants this summer, they’ll probably be hybrids that I didn’t start and wouldn’t even plant in my own garden. All these dreams and goals… up in the air. My husband is talking about taking off again. I don’t blame him. I’m not the most fun person to be around lately.

Happy 2015. Winter can go away any time now.

January 2015

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